Southend Highland Games - now with results and photos

[Pete Reek]

Absolutely brilliant!!
I was going to write "I take my hat off to you", but that's part of one another event I wouldn't be surprised to see is included this year.

I don't know the poster, but he has one crazy sense of humour and a great imagination.

You certainly made my day.

[neilly]

The latest entry to the Southend Highland Games is the long-forgotten Frog frigging contest. This involves comely maidens dressed in chest-length socks and cardboard hats ( both of which can be purchased from my friend and partner, Cuddles Gaylord, or from the Muneroy Store ) The contestants leap over a frog that has been drugged with ointment . Male participants are required to wear a bronze codpiece and blouse; and in the event of a tie, the winner will be decided by who can carry the Dunaverty septic tank lid the fartest along the beach.

[LANDROVER ROGER]

Neilly.Please let me know what medication you are on as I could do with some of the same.

[MPR]

LR I must say that this contest is as real as you or I. It has been ongoing for thousands of years. It started with the picts against the peoples from over the water, when the scots/Irish decided that the grass was greener on the other side of the channel.
Instead of killing and maiming, a contest for the ownership of the fair lands was developed and today we have the frog frigging. My ancestors have for many years, practised in secret for the upcoming contest as do many many people of the village and surrounding area.
The part involving the septic lid had to be added after a south briton came by night and stole the origional rock that was used.
It is said that the perpetrator had 6 men to assist him with it, it was placed into the back of a landrover and never seen again, however the Associaton to Return Sacred Equipment has been tracking the whereabouts of said rock and may have it back in time for this years games.
Will update is it is found, sure to be a great celebration then!

[LANDROVER ROGER]

I look forward to seeing photographic evidence of the various events.

[neilly]

Yes, "frogging" is certainly steeped in history, and may have been brought over here by the French in ancient times. I certainly remember their national team visiting to play Southend Froggers who had leapt to the top of the Coats Viyella premier league at the time. Unfortunately the contest had to be abandoned due to inclement weather - the gusty wind causing severe embarassment to the kilted Kintyre men as they bent down with their feathers to tickle their frogs.(You may have read about this in Angus MacVicar's book "Frogs In My Fridge")
Anyway, both teams retired to Francois' tea-rooms where they sampled such delicacies as bat's liver, owl's elbow, and frog's legs before the French boarded their ship and set sail from Dunaverty Rock.
This year's contest will be refereed by Prof. Seth Cocklebottom (known the world-over for inventing piles). He and his charming wife Ethel will be holidaying here and will be guests of honour. Ethel will be displaying her muscles and duelling scars, and will also be giving demonstrations on teaching pies to yodel in hot milk, and how to make oversize bloomers using Swish rail instead of elastic.

[LANDROVER ROGER]

Were the frog`s legs served in the tea room from the contestants?

[neilly]

No! No! These competing frogs are far too valuable to be eaten, especially now with the illegal betting in the far-east! Most are kept indoors and live a life of luxury, lazing on a sunny afternoon! They are fed on caviar and truffles, and I know of several Southenders who have had their conservatories lawned!

[LANDROVER ROGER]

Any events on for the first week in September?I will be staying at Carradale so would be keen to visit.

[neilly]

Rog, you're here the week of the annual tin-can label-peeling competition which is vehemently contested by the ladies of the Church Guild and the Rural, and brings an end to the summer, after which Southend is closed for the frogs to roam free before the equinox and the disambiguation syzygy signal their hibernation. The competition is a boisterous affair - last year a member of the losing team threw disinfectant over the minister who had been adjudicating - the Police charged her with a bleach of the priest, and being in possession of a pair of knitting needles and crochet hooks. She was sentenced to 3 weeks in Inveraray Jail and now lives in disgrace in a cave at the Mull of Kintyre.
If you do decide to visit, please ensure you have all the necessary paperwork to hand when you reach the Southend boundary which is now manned 24/7 by G4S since the rock was removed from the septic tank as pointed out by my colleague and fellow frog-frigger MPR. Somebody managed to scribble down part of the reg.no. of the vehicle used to move the rock and it would appear to be from the Watford area of South Briton. The only other evidence found at the scene was an empty packet of JAFFA biscuits.

[LANDROVER ROGER]

I will look forward to that.Here in Staffordshire we have Toad Tickling competitions in the back yard of some pubs.It is shrouded in mystery but I have seen several people enter the premises carrying large black wicker baskets,dressed in wet suits and carrying large tubs of axle grease.

[neilly]

Roger...come on ! "Toad Tickling"? You must think we're fe---n stupid here to believe that one !

[MPR]

BTW is that fermer still tryin to ferm salmon in that septic tank?????

[neilly]

Ach Aye! The salmon fermin's gan on right enough, but there's an even bigger merket in black tripe run by a cartel known as the Southend Salivant Savoury Society who are secretly exporting the tripe to wealthy Americans by ship from Dunaverty rock at the dead of night. They claim it can put up to 5 years on your life , increases your libido (which is a game played by the over 50s making words with letters)and can straighten round shoulders.
Another spin-off in this murky business is the trapping in the misty backwaters of the little-known Southend shark; a fearsome creature with no teeth, but, by God, if it catches you will give thee a nasty suck! Many people have tried to catch one (inc. JAFFA) but it only rises to the surface when it breaks wind at Easter.

[MPR]

and to think that way back when we used to convince the yanks at the base that haggis hunting was legal only in october when it was raining.
Wonder if they would be any good at the frog frigging?