Qantas

[Reidiboy]

Qantas humour

>After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
>called a "gripe sheet,"
>which tells mechanics about problems with the
>aircraft. The mechanics
>correct the problems; document their repairs on the
>form, and then pilots
>review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never
>let it be said that
>ground crews lack a sense of humour.
>
>Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted
>by Qantas' pilots
>(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked
>with an S) by
>maintenance engineers.
>
>By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has
>never had an accident.
>
>
>P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
>
>S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
>
>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
>
>S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
>
>P: Something loose in cockpit.
>
>S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
>
>P: Dead bugs on windshield.
>
>S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
>
>P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet
>per minute descent.
>
>S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
>
>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>
>S: Evidence removed.
>
>
>P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
>
>S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
>
>P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
>
>S: That's what they're for.
>
>
>P: IFF inoperative.
>
>S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
>
>P: Suspected crack in windshield.
>
>S: Suspect you're right.
>
>
>P: Number 3 engine missing.
>
>S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
>
>P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
>
>S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be
>serious.
>
>
>P: Target radar hums.
>
>S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
>
>P: Mouse in cockpit.
>
>S: Cat installed.
>
>And the best one for last..................
>
>
>P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds
>like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
>
>S: Took hammer away from midget

[Bobbie En Tejas]

Very funny, Reidi! I had a good laugh at a few of them, but I think I like this one best:

>P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
>
>S: Evidence removed.