How To Sing The Blues

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How To Sing The Blues

Postby Martin » Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:13 am

Something I found on the net....


1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes...sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, And she weighs 500 pounds."

4. The Blues is not about choice. You're stuck in a ditch, you're stuck in a ditch - ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train, blues NEVER go on the northbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it for the last 6 months.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: a. you're older than dirt b. you're blind c. you shot a man in Memphis Not if: a. you have all your teeth b. you were once blind but can see c. the man in Memphis lived d. you have a 401K or trust fund now

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are: a. muddy water b. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages: a. Perrier b. Chardonnay c. Snapple d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women: a. Sadie b. Big Mama c. Bessie d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men: a. Joe b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. "Make your own Blues Name" Starter Kit: a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.) b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.) c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own even one computer, you cannot sing the blues. If you are reading this on a computer - maybe you cannot sing the Blues - but you sure can listen to it…
Ouch !
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Sheik Yir Erse » Sat Apr 25, 2009 7:31 am

Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby bill » Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:50 am

Martin wrote:
12 c. you shot a man in Memphis


Hows about if you shot a man in Reno just to watch him die ?
I know my Summer'll never come
I know I'll cry until my dying day has come
Let the Winter roll along
I've got nothing left but song
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Pete Reek » Sat Apr 25, 2009 9:05 am

bill wrote:
Martin wrote:
12 c. you shot a man in Memphis


Hows about if you shot a man in Reno just to watch him die ?


There's a better chance of meeting someone at Cook's Corner called Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, than J.C having done the above!

Shame that you are now exempt from being a bona fide "blues man" Martin, just because of Rule No. 20 :(
Some days I jeest donno hoots hoot an hoots naw hoot.
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Govangirl » Sat Apr 25, 2009 10:46 am

Martin wrote:9. You can't have no Blues in . . . a shopping mall.


And that's why I never have the blues!!!! :lol:

Fantastic, Martin.
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby £3.73 » Sat Apr 25, 2009 11:08 am

Govangirl wrote:
Martin wrote:9. You can't have no Blues in . . . a shopping mall.


And that's why I never have the blues!!!! :lol:

Fantastic, Martin.


What ? You aren't Big Mama Bush ?!!

GUTTED !!! :lol:

your's sincerely

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most days I feel like Gene Hackman in the Poseidon Adventure
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Bobbie En Tejas » Sat Apr 25, 2009 2:07 pm

bill wrote:
Martin wrote:
12 c. you shot a man in Memphis


Hows about if you shot a man in Reno just to watch him die ?


Reno ain't blues, reno is country.. you've gotta keep your cities straight :)
Some people die at 21 but aren't buried until they are 65.
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Lossit Lass » Sat Apr 25, 2009 8:15 pm

lmao :lol: :lol:

signed,
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Govangirl » Sun Apr 26, 2009 11:35 am

£3.73 wrote:What ? You aren't Big Mama Bush ?!!

GUTTED !!! :lol:


That's me okay: just shows you don't need to sing the blues to have a bluesy name! :lol:

Hear about what was put on the gravestone of a blues singer?
'I didn't wake up this morning'
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby bill » Sun Apr 26, 2009 2:16 pm

Bobbie En Tejas wrote:
bill wrote:
Martin wrote:
12 c. you shot a man in Memphis


Hows about if you shot a man in Reno just to watch him die ?


Reno ain't blues, reno is country.. you've gotta keep your cities straight :)


Reno may be country Bobbie,but if you shoot a man in Reno you will end up with the Folsom Prison Blues 8) .
I know my Summer'll never come
I know I'll cry until my dying day has come
Let the Winter roll along
I've got nothing left but song
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Bobbie En Tejas » Sun Apr 26, 2009 2:51 pm

bill wrote:Reno may be country Bobbie,but if you shoot a man in Reno you will end up with the Folsom Prison Blues 8) .


:lol: :lol: End up there and you can pretty much expect the black and blues
Some people die at 21 but aren't buried until they are 65.
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Lossit Lass » Sun Apr 26, 2009 3:36 pm

Govangirl wrote:Hear about what was put on the gravestone of a blues singer?
'I didn't wake up this morning'

:lol: :lol:
Suppose they held a war and nobody came?
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Re: How To Sing The Blues

Postby Govangirl » Sun Apr 26, 2009 3:43 pm

Anyway, best way to sing the blues? Released this Tuesday, 'Together through life'. Yippee! :D
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted
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